Archive for the ‘Catastrophe’ Category

Snip Snip

Thursday, April 15th, 2010

So there I was, sitting in my very uncomfortable office chair thinking about whether to apply for another job, again. In the middle of a difficult decision about coffee or hot chocolate with my mid morning toast I had a phone call from home. I almost never get phone calls from home, mostly because the kids are usually in school, the au pair likes the gym and the dogs, as clever as they are at opening bins, cannot yet use a phone.

Sobbing greeted my ear followed by a very distressed message from my eldest daughter telling me that my youngest daughter, aged 5, had decided to restyle her hair completely, with scissors.

Me: is it bad?

Her: very bad

Me: will I be upset?

Her: I’m upset for you

Me: send photos

A very long 30 seconds pass.

The phone vibrates

the vision of a child's hair after a creative moment with scissors

I Cutted My Hair

(please notice how long it *was*)

I texted back: send me a picture of the front.

30 more tortured seconds gazing in disbelief at the first picture were interrupted by another vibration.

solemn child with terrible self-cut hair

I'm Sorry

(check out the tuft of micro-fringe that no longer hides the solemn expanse of forehead)

I took a deep breath, made a phone call and texted back: meet me at the hairdressers at 5pm

My colleague was almost on her knees in a puddle of unrestrained laughter and piss, obviously entirely at my expense. Thanks chum. I was on the edge of sobbing when I suddenly realised I had to tell Beardieboy. I went over the edge and sobbed. Then, being the woman that I am I made the decision: coffee. I drank the coffee and made another call. Beardieboy answered sounding like he was on top of the world. Poor sod. He went from hyper-happy to utterly appalled in a  matter of seconds. Poor sod. His beautiful child mangled by a misadventure with some kitchen scissors. I refused to send photos and said I’d sort it. I had a plan, it would work. If it didn’t work, in my mind I planned a Stephanie style pink wig. ‘It’s a fun wig, you’ll have fun in it, your friends will think you’re a hoot’.

5 O’clock arrives. The hairdresser took a very deep breath and on at least three occasions put her scissors down and walked away to compose herself. Every time she thought she’d solved it she discovered another hack or tuft and yet more had to come off to blend it in. Meanwhile I sat there rubbing my face like a neurotic. The salon manager came to the rescue with yet more coffee. The coffee helped me, and training evidently helped the hairdresser. She toiled for 20 hard minutes before giving me a brief lesson on styling to hide bald patches. Now I wouldn’t like you to get too close and study this for tufts but with a bit of hairspray this will work. She even has a bit of Parisian chic going on.

A relieved child after a professional snipper has rescued her do

Post Haircut Haircut

A handful of disney hairclips and everyone will think we’ve gone for something radical for spring.  Our house is now sleeping beauty but with scissors not spinning wheels. We ceremonially collected all the offending articles up and we’re locking them in the west tower until she’s old enough to know better and if she still decides to screw up a perfectly good haircut at that stage then good luck to her.

Easter Bonnet. Fail.

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

Arseface. I took a half day off work to go to my daughter’s Easter Bonnet parade, took my beautiful au pair to lunch first and arrived at school only to discover that reception class were not joining in. What? WTF? They’re five!! Five is the perfect age to make and wear an incredibly stupid and pointless hat and laugh at your mates. My poor baby was the only child in her class wearing an incredibly stupid and pointless hat. When I arrived she looked mortified, and I felt accused of child abuse. To placate her we were allowed to leave early, which is a good job because it’s awfully hot in those schools when you’re embarrassed to high hell.

Cheerful Denial

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

Why is it that when your dentist is imparting heartbreakingly bad news they manage to cushion it with wonderful yet inaccessible possibilities.

‘Ah the problem is…’ (the problem is I have teeth of shit, they have never been good. They will never be good. As Alanis would say, they are ‘ungood’, or as I would say – once more – they are shit) ‘…you appear to have a cracked root, I’m afraid this tooth will have to be extracted’

This FRONT tooth will have to be extracted. My ARSE! Calm expression.

‘What are my options?’

‘The good news is that there are three options, the first is that we use an implant, it will be like a crown, no one will ever see the difference’.

‘Right, and how about an option that I have possibility of paying for?’

‘Bridge or denture, denture if you are strapped. What would you like to do?’

‘I’d like you to stick it back together again.’

‘oookay’

‘Denture’

‘Good choice’

‘Yup’

Don’t tell my secret admirers.

Made Ya Look

Sunday, March 7th, 2010

‘No one will notice love’
Half an hour later my daughter came home. I smiled at her and she let out a yelp.
People will notice.